Recording to Remember

I read over my two posts and I am thankful that I recorded my thoughts.

I believe I am still at the Freeze place - a contemplative place - listening for God's will and plan following his will. But I've noticed something I swept under the carpet - my sin. I minimize my sin - like its no big deal. It's amazing how often I tell little white lies. Even tonight when I asked how much money I sent with my daughter to a special event - i didn't tell the whole truth cause I was embarrassed. Why can't I stand on my choices?

Then's there's the lies that make me look better - blaming situations on my husband - making me look like the martyr.

Francis Chan says that the point of my life is to point to Him.. How are my lies pointing to Him?

The other major defect that was camouflaged is my lack of support and constant undermining of my husband. According to scriptures, I am to be his help meet. By not respecting him, not helping him, not completing him, I was wrecking him. On one hand, I want a husband who wants to serve the Lord and then as he steps in the right direction I try to tell him how or how not to.

Ugh!

So as I "Freeze" I know I need recognize my sin of telling lies AND need to support my husband.

Lord forgive me for not trusting you...

Oh so many things running through my head...

I am so thankful that there are no mind readers among us because they would have whip lash listening to my mind and the 1000 directions my mind is going.

I still feel as if I am getting the Freeze (and be quiet) message from the Lord - and I am not sure I like it.

I do know that God's plan is best - but i want to be a doer.

But when I do (or speak) the outcomes aren't great - so I will be quiet.

One of the major transitions I have made - which has given me peace - is that I have stopped pushing my 9 year old. She has always been more dependent and more 'needy' so I have been trying to push her to become more independent. I guess its a little like a mother bird pushing its baby out of the nest. When I push - she 'flaps' her wings irradically and can't accomplish things that are easy for her. For 2 days, I have helped when she asked and I noticed she stopped asking quite as much... so we will see how it goes.

Another struggle I have been wrestling with is my role as a mom and wife. You see last year I was a mom, a wife, a tutor, etc. Now I am a mom and a wife - thats really all. And its not that much fun! Today, I am enjoying that role a little more, tho feeling completely overwhelmed by a messy messy house.

My desire for tomorrow is to wake with quiet time, get the house picked up AND cleaned. And as I do those encourage and lift up my kids!

Freeze and Know

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:7

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

In this 40th year of my life I am learning another hard lesson from our amazing God who never stops teaching us lessons. Its as if I am playing Freeze Tag.

You know that game that we played when we were kids. Whoever was 'IT' ran around chasing their friends and whoever they tagged had to FREEZE and stand ever so still. You couldn't move until you were un-froze! For me, it wasn't my favorite...I usually got tagged right away. And it took forever for me to convince someone to un-freeze me (at least thats what it felt like).

But in this new game of tag that I am in, there are only 2 players... God and me! And the rules are simple, He is IT and I have to freeze. You see there are a few areas in my life that aren't as they should be. Am I looking for perfection? No - just confirmation that God is moving, that God is aware, that God is...

The funny thing is that I totally know that God is moving, that God is aware, that God is... he just keeps telling me to Be Still - FREEZE.

In this game of freeze, I have two jobs - pray and study. Its amazing that as I pray I see Him working. As I study, He speaks to me about my role in this game. And He keeps saying FREEZE!

The areas that I need to Freeze and Know are the following:

• finances - ours are a wreck - and it seems that the decision between what is a need vs or a want (in our very different minds) is very different. I also know that I have NO concept of NOT being controlling. Where is the balance between being concerned and aware vs being overly controlling? God's response: Freeze and Know I am working.
• homeschooling - i love it - but i struggle if i am doing it 'right'. Are the kids learning it or just regurgitating it - when they struggle do I respectfully help them or do I make it worse? God's response: Freeze and Know I am there.
• relationship with hubby - I am such a sinner, my tongue is wicked, and I struggle because I want to treat my husband with respect. I have less than a few hours with him 4 days in a row because of his work schedule. For some reason, that hour is so stressful. The expectations I have and what occurs is not synonymous. God's response: Freeze and Know I am working.
• children's ministry - I have been involved in kids ministry of sorts for a long time, over the past three years our ministry has grown. This year its stagnant. We are basically teaching the teachers kids. The classes are small, the kids are frequently absent, its lost its momentum. God's response: FREEZE and Know I AM

There are other minor areas that I need God to speak to me - sister, parents, in laws, friends, etc. Yet again, instead of talking it up, interrogating, planning, manipulating God is saying FREEZE and Know. So, thats why I started this blog. As I FREEZE and Know, I will record how He is working, He is aware and that He is!

I love you Lord and I will gladly be your servant. Keep teaching me!

K